Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
There are over seven million people in New York...
...not including houseguests.
Visitors are a vital part of the city's economy.
Most single people in Manhattan do not buy furniture or hang pictures...
...until the arrival of an out-of-towner.
That's a great couch. Where'd it come from?
I have no idea.
Everything in Miranda's new apartment was hand-picked, finished and arranged...
...by Charlotte's friend, Madeline Dunn, an up-and-coming interior designer.
I've been looking for one of those.
That's very stylish for a pullout.
I'll have that end table for you tomorrow.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
This is a sofa bed?
That's what started this whole thing. I needed a sofa bed for Jeremy.
If he actually sleeps on it while staying in my fabulous apartment...
...l'll throw myself out a window treatment.
Jeremy was an old friend of Miranda's who'd been in London...
...writing for The Economist.
He was coming to New York to scope out the job situation.
Miranda suggested he be her houseguest, because his e-mails, always entertaining...
...had started to border on flirtatious.
Meanwhile, I had become a frequent houseguest of Big's.
Do you have a spare toothbrush I could use?
A spare toothbrush?
I'll bring you a new one.
Excuse me.
There's only one pink brush head and Big was giving his to me.
It was the most encouraging moment so far in our relationship.
The next night, Jeremy arrived. He was more adorable than Miranda remembered.
I love your flat.
Thanks.
How the hell are you?
Especially when he said...
I'm tired of dating. I'm ready to get married.
Miranda, are you here?
Coming!
That must be my end table.
My end table is afraid to go out alone.
I hope you like the finish.
It's a hair darker than I was thinking.
Sorry to interrupt.
- That's beautiful. Is it Biedermeyer? - Inspired by Biedermeyer. Good eye.
I'm addicted to Architectural Digest.
- Jeremy Fields. - Madeline.
Madeline Dunn.
Pleasure.
Thanks for bringing that by.
We were just about to get some dinner.
Did you want to join us?
Last week, I was doing an interview at a restaurant in Kensington...
Miranda found herself in the situation every woman dreams of...
She was on a truly great first date.
...just be careful not to eat any buckshot!
Unfortunately, it was somebody else's.
I should get Jeremy home.
You must be jet-lagged.
Actually, I feel great. I slept on the plane for once.
I'm pretty beat.
Did you want to go?
Not if you're...
Go ahead, I can find my way back.
Of course. We don't have to...
Except I forgot to make a copy of the key.
Jeremy could use my key.
Of course.
I gave you a key.
Goodnight.
I was at the same restaurant...
A week later, Miranda threw Jeremy a going away party.
I'd like to make a toast to my good friend Miranda...
...who not only put me up, she threw this soirée in celebration of my departure.
Miranda, I get the hint.
I'd especially like to thank her for introducing me to Madeline...
...an incredible, beautiful woman who must be drunk off her ass...
...because she just agreed to marry me.
Apparently, the only thing going away was Miranda's dream.
Congratulations.
Ice.
We should get more ice.
Everyone says, as soon as you get your own place, someone will propose.
I thought it would be to me.
At the least, she owes you a mortgage payment.
How is this even possible? These people just met.
It's love at first sight.
This isn't love. This is two people justifying a week of non-stop fucking.
On my furniture. I have to redecorate.
I think this is encouraging.
Even if you're not dating anybody, you could be engaged in a couple of weeks.
Or you could be dating someone for a year...
...and be thrilled to get an electric toothbrush head.
I don't understand why women are so obsessed about getting married.
Married people just want to be single again.
If you're single, the world is your smorgasbord.
Can you tell me if this is where Jeremy Fields's engagement party is?
It's the red awning, and it's a going away party.
- I can take you there. - Were you going to the party?
I was leaving the party because there were no handsome men there.
Maybe the tide is turning.
I get it.
My apartment is lucky for everybody but me.
What apartment isn't lucky for Samantha?
This is all your fault.
What?
You introduced me to Madeline.
I could've hired a nice gay decorator and none of this would've happened.
Madeline and Jeremy might've never met.
Yes, and Jeremy would've fallen in love with me.
It's not like musical chairs.
Why not me? What am I doing wrong?
Am I invisible?
Can I help you?
I live here!
That night, I needed a little reality check.
I was just at this party...
...and two people who met a week ago announced their engagement.
And?
I don't know. Isn't that a bit shocking?
This is New York. Nothing is shocking. We've embraced public urination.
These people think they're soul mates.
Did they actually use the term "soul mates"?
Several times.
Then, I give them three months. What are you wearing?
- Do you believe in love at first sight? - I believe in lust at first sight.
I'm serious.
So am I.
Come on, I need a visual.
I don't know, a top, strapless.
It's denim.
Were you asleep when I called?
Yes.
- Sorry. - It's okay.
But next time, be at the door...
...naked.
I started to wonder.
In a city as cynical as New York...
...is it still possible to believe in love at first sight?
I'd completely given up on the idea.
Now I know, the ones who don't believe in love at first sight...
...have never experienced it.
Love at first sight is for Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman.
It's too flaky for New York.
Here, women want a blood test and an ATM receipt before you get their number.
How can you believe in love at first sight...
...in a city where people jerk off on you in the subway?
A bride four weeks from her wedding doesn't have time to have a coffee.
So, I joined Madeline for a mind-boggling hour in the presence of absolute certainty.
...flowers everywhere.
I'd like each bridesmaid to carry a different flower: Tulips, irises, lilies, daisies.
Charlotte should have the tulips.
- Did she say she's one of my bridesmaids? - She's thrilled.
I've asked Miranda to do the guest books since she introduced us.
Carrie, I'm such a fan of your column.
Would you consider writing something to read at our wedding?
- What does she want you to write? - A poem about love.
Dear God, I hope you said no.
How can you refuse to be involved in a wedding?
If I knew, I wouldn't be in charge of the guest book.
Why did I agree to this?
I write about sex, not love. What do I know?
I might have to get married.
What?
The guy I picked up at Miranda's...
If you're engaged, I'm selling the apartment.
Hardly.
We went back to my place.
Tug my hair!
It all seemed so familiar. She was having a déjà fuck.
What's wrong?
I've slept with you before.
Yeah, like 15 years ago.
Why the hell didn't you say something?
I thought you were playing the sexy stranger game.
It was like a reunion.
How could you forget someone you slept with?
Toto, we're not in single digits anymore.
It's not like you shared a cab with this guy. You slept with him.
- Maybe we did it in a cab. - I'd like to forget some I've slept with.
I keep a list.
How sweet, "Men to Do Today".
I'm officially out of men to fuck.
I have to get married or move.
That's lovely. Can I use that in my poem?
It's yours.
Wait till you see my bridesmaid's dress.
Is it hideous?
No, we got to pick our own.
It's this amazing backless black satin.
Pretty sexy for a bridesmaid.
All Madeline said was, it had to be black!
Calm down.
I've been tasteful and appropriate at seven other weddings.
I'm always: "Charlotte, Don't Look at Me, Look at the Bride!"
This time, people are gonna look at me!
For some reason, this whirlwind wedding was extremely stressful for everyone...
...but the bride and groom.
The next night, I made the mistake of telling Big about the poem.
"Love, glove, dove"
"Dove" is good.
"Love is like a dove
"Or big fuzzy glove"
Don't use that. It might be from a greeting card.
- Okay, thanks. - What?
This is fun.
It's not supposed to be fun. This is somebody's wedding.
A wedding is serious to some people.
Then "shove" probably won't work.
When is this wedding?
It doesn't matter. You're not going.
Yes, I am.
I wouldn't miss you reciting "Love, glove, dove" in front of all New York for anything.
Things with Big were good. He was going with me to a wedding.
Can I just say, "Wow."
I need a few minutes.
I left the card here for you to sign.
I don't need to sign. They're your friends.
They're not my friends and your name's on the invitation, too.
- Really? - Yes.
It was my first time to get something other than, "Carrie Bradshaw and Guest."
How'd they get my name?
I don't know. Madeline must've asked Charlotte.
Whatever, if you don't want to sign it's not a big deal.
Would you like to sign the guest book?
At least we get to see who's arriving alone.
Samantha could always be counted on to take life's lemons...
...and make them into Spanish fly.
- Do you know where the gifts go? - Excuse me, I'm not the gift person.
That's another "b" list friend.
Christ! My rerun's here.
Of course, you met him at the engagement party.
I have to start writing things down.
I also have to start drinking heavily.
Where's Big?
Inside, looking bored.
That's my look.
Should I be bothered by the fact he wouldn't sign the card?
I'm glad I didn't ask him to sign the guest book.
That would've put him over the edge.
Charlotte wasn't kidding about the dress. It was hard not to notice her.
Look at you!
You look amazing.
My gosh, I am so late.
Are you with the bride or the groom?
I'm a bridesmaid.
- Are you Charlotte? - Yes.
I'm Martin, I'll be walking you down the aisle.
All her life, Charlotte had imagined doing exactly that...
...with someone like Martin.
I'll show you where you're supposed to be.
Are you seeing this?
I've been here half an hour. He never looked at me.
While Miranda was feeling invisible, I was feeling far too visible.
I'm in the program?
- I barely know the bride and groom. - They barely know each other.
I'm between the vows and the fish course.
Am I in there? Of course not.
I better find Big.
I'm coming with you.
Can you leave the guest book unattended?
It's a bullshit job.
People know what to do.
The ceremony was short and sweet, just like the engagement.
Please welcome our newlyweds...
...Mr. Jeremy Fields...
...and Mrs. Madeline Dunn Fields.
It's amazing.
It took her months to find an end table, she plans a wedding at the Plaza in four weeks.
Five bucks says that your end table will last longer than her marriage.
People have said a lot of nice things about Jeremy...
...and I'm here to make a rebuttal.
- Seriously, I've known Jeremy a long time... - Which is more than the bride could say.
I'm happy for you both.
I only hope that someday I can have what you two have...
...8,000 little napkins with my name on them...
...and, of course, someone to love.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Now we have a very special treat.
One of my favorite writers, Carrie Bradshaw...
...has agreed to share a poem that she wrote for the occasion.
Shit.
As I made my way to the microphone, I could only think of one thing...
Dead Woman Walking.
"His hello was the end of her endings
"Her laugh was their first step down the aisle
"His hand would be hers to hold forever
"His forever was as simple as her smile"
Suddenly, it hit me.
Two people were committing to a life together...
...and I couldn't even get a guy to be on a card with me.
"He said she was what was missing
"She said instantly she knew
"She was a question to be answered
"And
"His answer was, 'I do"'
I had no choice but to embrace the moment...
...and try to pass off my tears...
...as tears of joy for the happy couple.
Can I have the dressing?
I want three or four kids, too.
Where to you stand on dog vs. Cat?
You know, I think this should be our song.
We should dance to it.
What, are they on the Evelyn Wood plan, too?
Sorry.
I had to take a call. Did I miss anything?
You missed my poem and most of the reception.
There's nothing like a slow dance to make you forgive and forget.
I hate to dance when people are eating.
I'll be at the bar where people are drinking.
Say hello to my date.
I think I know you from somewhere.
It's very possible we fucked.
No, I think I know you from college.
Then, we probably fucked in college.
Another Cosmopolitan, please.
And a Scotch straight up.
It's the famous poet, Carrie Bradshaw.
Can we not talk about the poem?
It was perfect.
Except the crying. What was that about?
Big took a call during my poem.
It's not important to him. Nothing is important to him.
Guess what? The Guest Book Person is also the Put the Gifts in the Van Person.
Do you want to help, or should I go outside...
...and wait for someone else not to see me so I can end it?
I'll help. What street do you want to stand in?
If they get married within a month, I'm not going.
Careful, that's from me.
What are you giving them?
The dancing frogs.
Even while on the verge of breaking the land speed record for relationships...
...Charlotte took her duties as bridesmaid very seriously.
Isn't it beautiful?
How do we do this?
We just throw Silly String around and write funny things on the mirror in lipstick.
Some people throw condoms on the bed, but I prefer rose petals.
I would love to wake up in rose petals.
It was all so romantic.
The bed, the rose petals...
...the bed...
Technically, it wasn't a third date...
...but they'd already had dinner and been dancing.
Twenty minutes later, Charlotte worried she'd made a rookie mistake...
...by sleeping with a man she might marry.
But something wonderful happened.
I want to introduce you to my parents.
Meeting the parents... Charlotte was back on schedule.
Did you see us? We've been dancing up a storm.
- Would you like a free lesson? - My dad considers himself quite a dancer.
That would be great.
Is she the one?
You're a beautiful dancer.
Thank you.
May I cut in?
If you must.
Isn't he something?
He's very smart.
He's pretty much my role model.
He used to take me to his office when I was little.
Your father just felt me up.
- What? - We were dancing and he put his hand...
My parents have been married for 50 years.
My dad would not cop a feel just because some girl is wearing a slutty dress.
Suddenly, it was clear to Charlotte that Martin wouldn't take her side now...
...or after three or four kids, or ever.
Did the last four and a half hours mean nothing to you?
- The chicken dance. - Darn, we missed the chicken dance.
Excuse me, have you seen my date?
I'm sorry, I had to help Miranda put the gifts into the van.
Are you ready to go?
Have they even cut the cake yet?
I don't know, but I can tell you how it turns out.
If you want to go, go.
What's wrong?
You wouldn't even sign the card.
The card.
I'm afraid we don't want the same things.
Things like cake?
I want someone who's going to be with me until the end...
...of a wedding.
I'll stay.
You will?
Yes.
Single ladies!
It's time for the tossing of the bouquet.
Isn't the bouquet toss at the end?
Congratulations, you lucked out.
Get us some cake. I want to say goodbye to my friends.
- Big moment. - Big and I are leaving.
He's crossed his pain threshold and he's carrying me along.
Everybody ready?
One, two, three.
See you tomorrow.
Let's get your coats.
Some people know they're meant to be together.
I knew I was meant to go home and have cake in bed with Big.
Maybe we're more the fuzzy glove types.
Translation And Subtitles By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles
Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew